wink     ; )

Trying to live a normal life

(Sorry that this is kinda rambling. I don't really feel like editing it though.)

One of my constant struggles is how to not let my Clusters (and Shadows) rule my life. I try so hard not to let them interrupt my schedule and activites. While I definitely make lifestyle changes so that I can respond well to my Clusters, I can't just drop everything when they hit. If I just hid myself away with every attack, I wouldn't have any sort of life. I wouldn't be able to take classes. I couldn't work. I'd never see my family.

So I make an effort to keep my plans intact even when I'm in the middle of a Cluster. If I'm in a class or at someone's house or on a bikeride and a Cluster hits, I might stop for a minute to take some meds, but I continue doing what I was doing before. I've tried to cultivate an attitude of "Well, if I'm going to have a Cluster anyway, then I might as well try to have some fun and make it at least a little more enjoyable." After all, the alternative is to stay at home and be bored while suffering the same amount of pain.

I have to hide the pain from the people I'm with if I don't want to ruin their time with me. I can certainly do that--I've had a lot of practice by now. But doing this is exhausting (as if the Clusters weren't enough of an energy drain all by themselves).

This particular round of Clusters/Shadows has been going on for four months or so now (it has been so long that I've lost count). Typically, I'll get hit at 10:30AM and the pain won't stop 'till 10:30PM. That covers the vast majority of my interactions with other people. I'm starting to notice that it is taking a toll on my relationship with Tree and Spark in particular. I can't hide all of the pain from them. I stare off into space a lot as I try to manage the pain. I don't pay as much attention to what is going on. I don't talk as much as I used to. I can't play with Spark as long (I don't have the patience and/or the energy to play repetative games over and over and over and over). I find myself wandering off in search of alone time so that I can conserve energy. None of these are big things. But they add up in their small ways over the weeks and months and I find myself feeling distant.

What's the solution? Is there one? More meds? I could, but I'm not sure that the side effects are worth it. The meds that I already take are affecting my moods more than I would like.

Tree has been a trooper through all this. I don't want to repay her by becoming distant.

Neglect

This blog is suffering from a severe case of neglect right now. Mostly, all I want to do here is complain, but I've run out of creative ways of doing it. I don't really want to be repeating myself after all.

Of course, the reason why I want to complain, and the reason why I don't have any creative juices left is that my Shadows have continued unabated now for some four months. These headaches are tiring, wearing, and at this point supremely boring.

When I have some energy and creativity, I'll post some more.

New Mexico

We had two goals for our vacation. Have fun hanging out with friends. And see a little bit of the SouthWest.

Our friends are just living there for the summer (having gotten internships at Los Alamos). They scored a great rental house which I thouroughly enjoyed staying at. We spent most of each day just hanging out at the house talking and playing and entertaining Spark and watching The Gilmore Girls on DVD (I may now be an addict...we'll see if I have withdrawl symptoms in the next few days). Goal 1...check!

We did a little sight seeing as well. Notably, we went to see Bandelier National Monument which was simply awe inspiring. Basically, it is an ancient Pueblo settlement which was lagely comprised of caves carved into cliffs. And while I would have been annoyed at living in a cave smaller than my current bathroom, I could easily see myself waking up every morning, poking my head out of my cave, looking out over the valley and taking in the spectacualr view and thinking to myself, "This place is Awesome!"

Goal 2...check!

Spark had a fabulous time as well and was enamored with our hosts--we will be hearing their names for weeks. All in all, a very successful vacation.

Why no updates

Though I had indicated that I would have internet access during vacation, I never got to post here. Why not? Well, they certianly had internet access. But there were 4 internet junkies fighting over one laptop. The only way I could get blocks of time on-line was to stay awake later than everyone else. This is normally no problem. But one of our hosts is an insomniac and only slept for 2 hours a night. And while she certainly was willing to share the laptop late at night, I was too incoherent by then to post. Ah well.

Home!

We're home from New Mexico and we had a great time. The only glitches were on the travel days...

We left for NM early in the morning with a friend of ours very kindly providing a ride to the airport. When we were unloading the car, she commented on how light we pack. I was all proud of ourselves for that. Shortly after she drove away, I realized that we had packed far too light...we had left a bag at home! I managed to get our ride on her cell phone and convinced her to retrieve our bag for us and haul it back out to the airport for us. And then I waited. And waited. We had only given ourselves a little over an hour to go through check-in and security so that our ride wouldn't have to get up too early. But that meant that there was very little time for her to retrieve my forgotten bag. Plus, the security line was longer than I'd ever seen it. Luckily, we live pretty close to the airport and we had remembered to bring our frequent flier cards with us (which allowed us to go through the shorter "trusted passenger" security line), so I was able to get on board with about 5 minutes to spare.

All that to say, L (our ride) is a saint. Thank you thank you thank you.

The trip home was not as dramatic, it was simply tedious. While going out was a direct flight, the way home invoved three takeoffs and landings. Combine that with a 4:00 AM wake up and a 90 minute drive to the airport and the various layover times, we had a very long day. Spark is a great traveller, but he isn't even 2 yet and his patience has its limits. He didn't sleep at all during any portion of the trip, so when naptime rolled around and we were still in the air, Spark was pretty cranky. If I had been him, I would have been too. In fact, despite not being him, I was pretty cranky. Spark is a trooper though and was fine the next day.

Oh, and our stroller didn't make it all the way home, but got left in the Oaklnad airport. This was fine by me as my in-laws live in Oakland and the stroller they bought for our visits there is horrible. So I told the airline to leave the stroller there and I'd have my in-laws pick it up. We'll just let them keep it and we'll get a new one for here.