wink     ; )

Trying to live a normal life

(Sorry that this is kinda rambling. I don't really feel like editing it though.)

One of my constant struggles is how to not let my Clusters (and Shadows) rule my life. I try so hard not to let them interrupt my schedule and activites. While I definitely make lifestyle changes so that I can respond well to my Clusters, I can't just drop everything when they hit. If I just hid myself away with every attack, I wouldn't have any sort of life. I wouldn't be able to take classes. I couldn't work. I'd never see my family.

So I make an effort to keep my plans intact even when I'm in the middle of a Cluster. If I'm in a class or at someone's house or on a bikeride and a Cluster hits, I might stop for a minute to take some meds, but I continue doing what I was doing before. I've tried to cultivate an attitude of "Well, if I'm going to have a Cluster anyway, then I might as well try to have some fun and make it at least a little more enjoyable." After all, the alternative is to stay at home and be bored while suffering the same amount of pain.

I have to hide the pain from the people I'm with if I don't want to ruin their time with me. I can certainly do that--I've had a lot of practice by now. But doing this is exhausting (as if the Clusters weren't enough of an energy drain all by themselves).

This particular round of Clusters/Shadows has been going on for four months or so now (it has been so long that I've lost count). Typically, I'll get hit at 10:30AM and the pain won't stop 'till 10:30PM. That covers the vast majority of my interactions with other people. I'm starting to notice that it is taking a toll on my relationship with Tree and Spark in particular. I can't hide all of the pain from them. I stare off into space a lot as I try to manage the pain. I don't pay as much attention to what is going on. I don't talk as much as I used to. I can't play with Spark as long (I don't have the patience and/or the energy to play repetative games over and over and over and over). I find myself wandering off in search of alone time so that I can conserve energy. None of these are big things. But they add up in their small ways over the weeks and months and I find myself feeling distant.

What's the solution? Is there one? More meds? I could, but I'm not sure that the side effects are worth it. The meds that I already take are affecting my moods more than I would like.

Tree has been a trooper through all this. I don't want to repay her by becoming distant.