wink     ; )

Despair and Reprieve

I woke up weeping.

The prospect of facing another agonizing day had reduced me to tears before I was even conscious. Despair had slipped around my mental defenses while I slept and taken over. And anyone who was able to discern that 90% of my last post was wishful thinking, braggadocio meant to bolster a weakening resolve, well...you get a gold star.

At any rate, I couldn't just lie there weeping in bed. I had to get up, at the very least to get some Advil, but more importantly, to take care of Spark. So I forced down the tears and despair and got moving. And I just kept moving and moving and moving because in every quiet still moment the tears sprang back up. Catch my breath by the sink--start crying. Dry my hands in the bathroom--start crying. Finish strapping Spark into the carseat--start crying.

I drove to my sister's for our weekly playdate. She saw how miserable I was and sent me off to bed. I told her to get me up in an hour when it was time for Spark's nap and I'd put him down, then I went to bed.

I woke up four hours later.

I knew that I was exhausted from fighting my Shadows, but I had no idea that I was that exhausted. But my sister could tell and she let me sleep for as long as I needed. I felt remarkably better. Despair had been banished once again and tears didn't threaten to overflow with every lapse of motion. That evening, Tree made me go to bed early as well--9:00. She has been enforcing reasonable bedtimes ever since and will continue to do so until the Shadows depart. Why? Because I'm actually happy again.

Even though I'm still in pain, I'm finally able to enjoy Spark again. He's a very happy bubbly boy and his joy is typically infectious. But these past few weeks, I haven't been able to enjoy him; I merely take care of him. But ever since my sister's generous gift of sleep (one week ago), I've been able to laugh again, much to my family's relief.

Thank you Sis. You're the Best!