wink     ; )

Searching for a Silver Lining

I woke up today with another Shadow. (Shadow = a long, drawn out, but less intense Cluster. Same amount of pain, just distributed over a longer span of time.) I've been having them for over a month now. Today my Shadows were making my shoulder muscles feel like they were going to rip from the tension and my right eyeball felt like it was in a vice. Not a tight one, but tight enough to be painful with the pressure starting at the back of my eye and travelling down my optic nerve deep into my brain--so deep that I could actually taste the pain in the back of my mouth.

The one good thing about having Clusters (and/or Shadows) is that it gives a sense of purpose to my life. When I'm in a Cluster, I'm no longer wandering aimlessly through life. I have a mission: I must Survive This Day. I wake up and I may be tired and in agony, but I've got a goal and it is horrifically well defined: Don't let the Beast win.

I know that I'm involved in a number of Good Causes, any of which is enough to give my life Meaning. I know that I have good short and long term goals and that I'm not really wandering aimlessly through life. But none of those causes or goals have the terrifying immediacy, the inescapable immanence of Surviving the Clusters. The other ones are not compelling, are not forceful. This one is insistent. It demands attention, focus, action. There is no procrastination, no screwing around, no weighing of priorities--I give it my undivided attention and it dominates every aspect of my day.

I am on a mission. I will not lose site of my goal.