February 16, 2004
Infertility: Part 6 (More Cruel Words)
(For background info, see Infertility, part 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.)
Though the previous story left me infuriated, it was merely the first. I would soon hear many more unitentionally cruel or insulting remarks (espeially from those who meant well). But although that story was the most infuriating, it was not the most painful. After all, the offending woman was a complete stranger who wasn't even addressing me.
The most painful remark came over a year later from a close friend who should have known better. We were discussing his experience with infertility (this was territory that we had covered many times before). His wife only ovulated maybe once or twice a year. Despite this, they managed to conceive on one of his wife's first ovulations after halting the use of birth control.
Knowing full well about my infertility, he said, "I don't know how we managed to conceive so quickly. I guess I must be a real stud." To his credit, my friend immediately apologized for his insensitivity without me having to say anything. But his words still sliced deep. This was a friend. Speaking to me. Who knows about my abysmal sperm count. And still he measures masculinity by the ability to impregnate. His words left me feeling not angry, but hurt. Betrayed. Deserted.
I know that he meant no harm, and I forgave him. But it is those unguarded moments, those slips of the tongue that let you know what another person really thinks.
Infertility: Part 5 (Cruel Words)
(For background info, see Infertility, part 0, 1, 2, 3, and 4.)
I was at the doctor's office to do one of the half-a-dozen sperm analyses that was required of me. I went there alone and the only other people in the waiting room was a young couple. After a few minutes, the doctor came out and announced to the couple, "Great news! Your test results are fine." "Lots of sperm?" the woman asked. "Billions!" the doctor exaggerated with a smile.
Despite overhearing their confidential information (in the doctor's defense, he couldn't see that I was there until it was too late), in that moment I was truly happy for this couple. They had managed to dodge a bullet that I could not. The joy on their faces was evident and I could not help joining in their delight.
But it only lasted for a moment. For the woman then turned to her husband and exclaimed, "I KNEW you were a REAL man!"
At the sound of those words, all the joy that had infused me turned into ice and I had two instantaneous reactions. 1) I wanted to get up and give her a calm but efficient pummeling. 2) I felt an enourmous pity for the husband. For now everyone in the room knew that his wife judged his masculinity soley by his sperm count.
Based on the fact that this was the first thing she mentioned, I'm sure that he had at some point confessed to her that he felt insecure--that he feared that having a low sperm count meant that he was somehow less of a man. And if she had even two brain cells, she surely replied that he was a "real man" to her no matter what the test results were.
But in this moment of unbridled joy, when the unspoken words of the heart break through and become speech uncensored, the truth was revealed. For her, being a real man meant having lots of sperm; and conversely, her husband would not have been a real man in her eyes if the test results had been different.
Luckily for him, he "passed" the test with flying colors, but her spontaneous outburst made it obvious that if the doctor had given them bad news, though she certainly would have said that he was still a "real man" to her, her woulds would have been nothing but deceit.
Although I wanted to smack her for insulting me, I wanted to skewer her for her insidious disrespect for her husband.
February 11, 2004
Skip to the end (beginning?)
I've been very busy. I meant to keep posting everyday on the Infertility serial until it was finished. But things came up. So I didn't. But I will.
Anyways...If you want to know how it ends (so to speak), read on.