wink     ; )

More Delirium

On the occasions when I'm not awakened by headaches or Spark's cries, I have been waking up thinking that Spark is in our bed. I don't know why I think this because we never put Spark in bed with us, but I wake up thinking it nonetheless.

In those first waking moments, when it is impossible to distinguish between dream and reality, I'm always reaching out to keep him from rolling off the bed or crawling over the edge. Then, after a moment or so, I realize that Spark's presence was just a dream.

As my sleep gets more and more fragmented, I'm having more and more trouble telling dream from reality. My dreams bleed into normal consciousness and reality takes on a dreamlike quality.

I woke up to go to the bathroom and thought that Spark was in bed with me. So I gathered him in my arms and got out of bed. Then I carefully laid him on the bed. I realized that this might be a mistake as he could just crawl right off the bed, so I went to pick him up again.

And I couldn't find him.

The rational part of my brain then put some pieces together and told me that Spark was still in his crib and that he had not been in my bed at all.

The delirious part of my brain didn't care. I had felt him in my arms. I had just cradled him moments ago. Every sense and every memory was telling me that Spark had been in bed with me. Only logic and experience and his otherwise inexplicable absence told me otherwise.

I spent the next two minutes checking and rechecking the bed and the floor to see if Spark was there. He was, of course, not.

Delirium finally gave way to reality and I stopped searching. But I was, and still am, unnerved by how vividly and completely my dreams have invaded my waking life.