wink     ; )

Infertility: Part 0 (Do I want Children?)

Hmmm...I guess I should back up a bit and provide some background to this tale of infertility. So, here goes...

Three years ago, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to have children. I had always imagined that I would, but being madly in love with Tree seemed like enough to me. I was content.

Tree, however, felt otherwise. She wanted children. She knew this with certainty.

But suddenly, I wasn't so sure. For I had just realized that having a child would mean that I had to share Tree with somebody else. Our child would have a huge claim on Tree's time. And that meant less time for me. I was in a very greedy stage in my life and I was in no mood to share Tree with anyone. Friends and co-workers were one thing. But I didn't want any rivals. I didn't want anyone to get as much of her time and attention as me.

Tree tried to convince me that having a child would somehow mean that she would have even more love and attention for me. But I just wasn't buying it.

It was an admittedly immature time of my life. I was entirely too greedy and insecure. But even recognizing that (or, perhaps more accurately, having that pointed out to me) wasn't enough. That simply confirmed what I had just figured out: I was not yet ready to have children.

If I saw children as rivals for my wife's attention, then I was simply not ready for them. Tree recognized this too and backed off. She was content with assurances that I would in time be ready. I just needed to grow up a bit.

A few months later, we started trying to have a child.

Non-Conspiracy Theories

I got a kick out of this:

Whenever I wonder about random things like "Why are commercial toilets shaped differently than residential ones?" I can usually think through an answer on my own ("Probably so they're easier to clean...") or I can Google up some answers fairly quickly. Just once, I wish the actual answer were something like "This was a decision made by a secret cabal consisting of Freemasons and a murky consortium of international financiers, designed to advance their nefarious goals through control of the world's toilet bowls." But that's never the answer.

The above quote was written by Anil Dash and licensed through a creative commons license.

Infertility: Part 1 (Discovery)

A little over two years ago, I found out that I couldn't have children. Tree and I had been trying to have children for a while without success. We were about to move to Portland, so we decided get some medical tests before our insurance ran out.

I have never failed a test so miserably in my life.

I have an abysmally low sperm count. (Less than 1% of normal. And poor motility to boot.) I know that they say that "it only takes one", but that is of course complete and utter hogwash. A lone sperm can no more fertilize an egg than a lone straw can break a camel's back. (exception: ICSI IVF, which we will discuss at some later date.)

Tree had been fearing news like this and had braced herself for it. I, on the other hand, had never before even considered the possibility that I might be infertile. I immediately went into denial. We then drove some 4,000 miles and I managed to not think about my infertility for the entire time.

To be continued...

Enjelani Posts

I really meant to post responses to beefeater in all three of my "Enjelani Overflow" comments sections, as well as on Enjelani's site. Unfortunately, schoolwork and depression intervened. Though I still have plenty to say, it seems untimely now.

Should I go ahead and take the time to post my thoughts? Or should I just let the matter drop?

(I'm leaning towards just letting the matter drop and investing the time in more actual posts for this site.)

Residual Pain

I went on a terrific hike yesterday (Saturday). But this post is not about that hike (hopefully a different post, complete with pictures will be forthcoming). This post is about pain.

It has been several months since my surgery. Though I normally feel fine, I still get sore after I get a good workout. This is not good. (My doctor concurs. I'm going in to see him ASAP.)

I played basketball on Thursday and was therefore already feeling sore on Friday and Saturday. And then I started a seven mile hike. Within half a mile, I was in serious discomfort and I had fallen behind my fellow hikers in my search for a decent branch that I could use as a walking stick. When I found a good one (thank God!) I proceeded to lean on it heavily for the remainder of the hike even though it rubbed my hand raw.

It worked though. I am in considerably less pain today than I would have been otherwise.

(On the way home from the hike, I stopped by a ski equipment store and picked up a beat-up old ski-pole for use on future hikes. Only $5. Yay!)

I sure hope that my doctor can fix whatever is still wrong with me.

Downpour

Blue skies. Sunlight. And a torrential hail. Its a beautiful sight.

Stupid Caffeine

Stupid Caffeine. Didn't do its job of keeping me awake when I drank it 5 hours ago. But doing a damn fine job of keeping me awake right now.

On Teaching and Student Meltdowns

I just finished teaching a four hour class. Ugh. I was really running out of stuff to say by the end. Instruction-wise, the class went really well. There was lots of good discussion and the students made very good points. They seem to be tracking really well.

The problem (and it was a Big one) was that one of my students had a meltdown in class. As far as I can tell, she felt like she was getting beat up everytime she voiced her opinion. There is some merit to her claim, and I hold myself responsible for that. As the facilitator of the discussion, it was my job to cry "foul" and I didn't. I apologized, but nevertheless she still left during one of the breaks and never came back. Sigh. I'll give her a call in the morning to see how she's doing.

When I come out of class having just led an interesting discussion, I feel like I really could become a professor. But experiences like this really make me wonder. I may have the knowledge to become a prof, but do I have the widsom? I know that no class that I'm going to take is going to teach me how to deal with student meltdowns. Nor are they going to teach me how to prevent a student from getting ganged up on in class. How do I go about learning those skills? My students have other needs beyond just needing to learn the class material. How do I meet those needs?

Sigh. I don't know.

First Class

I taught my first class as a TA today. (My Prof is out of the country for a conference, so I'll be covering for him all week.) It went reasonably well. We discussed one of my professor's papers. I know that paper pretty well, so it was easy for me to field the various questions from the students.

The hard part about this class is that it meets at 8:00 AM on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. For someone who regularly goes to sleep at 2 or 3 AM, that's pretty early. Now I can drag myself to an 8:00 class every day with some difficulty. But it is a whole different matter to teach a class at 8:00. Attending class is simple. You just need to show up. You can nod off or lose concentration without too many negative consequences. But teaching? I have to actually be awake and aware. I have to maintain a certain level of concentration. I can't nod off when students are asking me questions. And I have to do it day after day.

This is going to be a hard week. (Goodnight all.)

Operation Meatshield

I can't say it better than this, so I won't even try.

Enjelani Overflow 3

[The following is a continuation of a conversation that started in this post over at The Last Embassy. The conversation has gotten too unwildy to be contained in a simple post, so I'm migrating some of it over here.]

Some examples for beefeater to consider.

Enjelani Overflow 2

[The following is a continuation of a conversation that started in this post over at The Last Embassy. The conversation has gotten too unwildy to be contained in a simple post, so I'm migrating some of it over here.]

A response to beefeater's claim that local monopolies merely constitute "market failure".

Enjelani Overflow 1

[The following is a continuation of a conversation that started in this post over at The Last Embassy. The conversation has gotten too unwildy to be contained in a simple post, so I'm migrating some of it over here.]

A response to beefeater's claim that non-interference/market principles are "natural" and are not "human-made".

Nagging Consistency

This is excellent! Why aren't more people at my school coming to conclusions (and writing papers) like this?

Favorite quote:

While the Bible is a famously supple text, allowing multiple, even contradictory exegeses on everything from the role of women to the death penalty, its message on the poor has an almost nagging consistency. The Jesus portrayed in the Gospels has enormous respect and compassion for the poor and little regard for wealth.

Nagging consistency indeed. Amen.

the patience of...well...not Job

I came home from class at 6:55 today. I was a little late because I had been talking to a friend before coming home. Tree was peeved.

Tree: I've been waiting soooo long for you to get home.
Me: When did you get home?
Tree: 5:30
Me: You are aware that my class doesn't end until 6:30, right?
Tree: Yes.
Me: Well, my class ran a few minutes over today.
Tree: OK
Me: And I was catching up with a friend after class.
Tree: OK
Me: And I can't exactly teleport home.
Tree: You Can't???
Me: So I don't think I kept you waiting all that long. At the earliest, I could have gotten home 15 minutes earlier.
Tree: But I was waiting for sooooo long.

Sigh. I used to get excited if my Mom would pick me up within two hours of when she said she would. It seems really wierd to me that anyone would get so wound up over 15 minutes.

8th Kyu

Tree and I just passed our 8th Kyu tests. (That is to say, the test for the level 8th kyu, whcih is the first test that either of us have taken. As opposed to the 8th test that we've ever taken.) We are now no longer total beginners in Aikido. Cool.

Biggest workload ever

So the previously mentioned 9:00 class looks like it will involve more work than any other class that I've ever taken. By a factor of 2. Or maybe more.

Good thing I'm only taking three classes this semester. But I didn't cut down my workload because of this class. I did that because I was TAing and because of a variety of other responsibilities. So I'm still going to have to be creative in my use of time. Sigh.

The bright side is that I should really know the material by the time the semester is over. ;)

Finding my class

I got up early and went to my first class yesterday. "8:00, room 115...8:00 room 115..." I kept muttering to my self. When I arrived, I saw no familiar faces. As this class is the third in a series, there should have been at least a few of my former classmates. I look around a bit more and noticed that the class was about twice as big as it should be. And that everyone had the wrong class notes.

Wrong room. Idiot.

So I wandered around looking for the right room. It was nowhere to be found. I checked the official posting and it pointed me back at room 115. Aaargh! Another student noticed my bewilderment and deduced my problem. He simply said "9:00".

Not the wrong room. The wrong time. Idiot.

So the bad news is that I got up an hour earlier than I needed to. The good news is that I never have to wake up that early on a Monday ever again this semester.

Up and Running

w1re updated my DNS entries. Other people will now be able to see this site! Huzzah! Now I just have to wait for changes to propagate...

First class of the semester

The first of the classes that I'm taking meets tomorrow (erg...make that today) at 8:00 AM. Yes that would be Labor Day at 8 in the morning. I don't know why my school ignores Labor Day year in and year out, but it does. Grrrrrrr...

I should have gone to bed a while ago (and posting more here too), but I've been busy posting comments here.

Good night, and I hope that all of your semesters are half as exciting as mine looks like it will be.