September 27, 2003
Infertility: Part 0 (Do I want Children?)
Hmmm...I guess I should back up a bit and provide some background to this tale of infertility. So, here goes...
Three years ago, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to have children. I had always imagined that I would, but being madly in love with Tree seemed like enough to me. I was content.
Tree, however, felt otherwise. She wanted children. She knew this with certainty.
But suddenly, I wasn't so sure. For I had just realized that having a child would mean that I had to share Tree with somebody else. Our child would have a huge claim on Tree's time. And that meant less time for me. I was in a very greedy stage in my life and I was in no mood to share Tree with anyone. Friends and co-workers were one thing. But I didn't want any rivals. I didn't want anyone to get as much of her time and attention as me.
Tree tried to convince me that having a child would somehow mean that she would have even more love and attention for me. But I just wasn't buying it.
It was an admittedly immature time of my life. I was entirely too greedy and insecure. But even recognizing that (or, perhaps more accurately, having that pointed out to me) wasn't enough. That simply confirmed what I had just figured out: I was not yet ready to have children.
If I saw children as rivals for my wife's attention, then I was simply not ready for them. Tree recognized this too and backed off. She was content with assurances that I would in time be ready. I just needed to grow up a bit.
A few months later, we started trying to have a child.
- wink [September 27, 2003 09:50 PM]syndromes says:
I am definately at the stage right now where you were three years ago. Although I don't currently have a significant other in my life, my previous girlfriend *knew* that she wanted a family. I don't know that I want one at all. When I describe that to friends & family, "selfish" is the exact word I always use to describe it. I'm far too selfish to share *my* life, let alone my loved one's affection, with someone else that in my estimation will just get in the way and disrupt my goals. I know there's always a flip side to things, and maybe I would be a good father.
But for now, i'm very much in that selfish stage where I just want to share my love with *one* other person and have it mirrored back to me with as little to get in the way as possible.
Ask me again in 5 or 10 years :)
wink says:
I was selfish like this for a long time before I was finally put into words what I was feeling. Expressing it in words did a lot to help me grow up.
Eventually my love for Tree matured to a point where I was no longer so insecure and greedy. I realized that we had more than enough love to go around. That's when I felt I was ready for a child. I wanted someone else around to share in the love we had for each other.
There were, however, difficulties (see part 1).